TVF: The Deleted Files
by roxypony
Summary: Next up: Repost if you're against bullying, both inside and outside of Vampire Mountain. A bit of Sunday night mindless babbling for you to giggle at.
1. note: Darren Goes Facebooky

So. This isn't really a fic... Im just unwinding and I felt like writing something but didn't wanna work on one of my actual stories cuz of extreme tiredness after a long busy day, so I just wrote a little Facebook note about my favourite Vampires, lol :)  
Im leaving this story document "incomplete" cuz I'll prob add a few more of these, or little funny oneshots, or any other random TVF thing that isn't long enough to be its own story. Mkk?

And I KNOW THIS ISNT A REAL FIC. if you have a problem, dont even bother flaming unless you seriously want your feelings hurt.

Enjoy ;P

* * *

**7 Friends**

**New note by Darren Shan.  
Tagged in this note: Harkat Mulds, Larten Crepsley, Seba Nile, Kurda Smahlt, Mika Ver Leth, Arrow _Last Name Not Entered_, Paris Skyle**

Pick 7 people without looking at the questions first (in no specific order)

1. Harkat  
2. Mr Crepsley  
3. Seba  
4. Kurda  
5. Mika  
6. Arrow  
7. Paris

Q: Have you ever kissed number 5?  
A: Mika, NO, OH HELL NO!

Q: When's the next time you're going to see number 4?  
A: next time I go to the bathroom, pretty sure he'll be in there straightening his hair

Q: Is number 2 pretty?  
A: Mr Crepsley... scary thoughts scary thoughts scary thoughts scary thoughts!

Q: How did you meet number 3?  
A: Seba, First day in Vampire Mountain...shoulda ran for my life when I had the chance.

Q: Have you seen number 1 in the last month?  
A: Harkat, deffers :)

Q: Do you think number 7 has a crush on you?  
A: Paris, please no....

Q: Have you ever been to number 4's house?  
A: Kurda, pretty sure he doesn't have a house. He (we) lives in a big rock, and pretty much monopolizes the bathroom, and I think he wants a Malibu beach house, but no, he doesn't actually legally own property.

Q: Are you really close to number 3?  
A: Seba...well he's ran over my arm while wearing skis, almost knocked a vending machine on my head, thrown multiple public tantrums, disgraced a wedding party, literally almost destroyed Christmas, attempted to strangle me with lights, has an extremely low alcohol tolerance, eaten many things that should not be considered food, threatened to bestow bodily harm on me on many occasions, and totally sent a truck stop parking lot into chaos on my orders kinda but not really.  
Yeah, we're pretty tight.

Q: Have you ever gotten in trouble with 2?  
A: Mr Crepsley...deff gotten in trouble BY him. With him, suppose there may have been a few times...maybe...one or two. Can't think of any off the top of my head at the moment.

Q: Would you ever hang out with number 6 alone?  
A: Arrow... if we're in a good mood, quite possibly.

Q: What do you and number 7 talk about the most?  
A: Paris, we talk about whatever the hell there is to talk about. Like boats, and inebriation.

Q: Do you have secrets with 5?  
A: Mika... Keeping secrets is dishonourable, I think his policy is.

Q: Would you give 3 a hug?  
A: Seba... that depends on a few things. Has he taken his meds? Has he ingested any food that doesn't agree with him recently? Which mood is he in, there are about 6: Is he in a 1) Crazy Seba mood, or 2) Simply Seba mood, or 3) Unreasonable Manical Senile Seba mood, or 4) Confused/Bamboozled/Baffled & Therefore Angry Seba mood, 5) You Are Violating Tradition Seba mood, or 6) Dead Asleep.  
When Mood 6 is in operation, a hug could probably be safe. As long as you're out of the room before he's fully awake.

Q: Do you know a secret about number 1?  
A: Harkat.... of course :)

Q: Describe the relationship between 3 and 1.  
A: Seba and Harkat... there's a tolerance.

Q: What is the best thing about your friendship with 5?  
A: Mika, he usually doesn't hurt me.

Q: What is the worst thing about number 7  
A: Paris, He knows way too much.

Q: Have you ever danced with number 6  
A: Arrow, not soberly and not romantically.

Q: Have you ever been in a fight with number 1?  
A: Harkat...actually, never!

Q: Have you ever been a co-worker with number 4?  
A: Kurda, co-worker isn't the word I'd use

Q: Have you ever wanted to punch number 2 in the face?  
A: Mr Crepsley, OF COURSE NOT!!! How could you even say that, there is no one on this earth I want to punch less! Never ever ever! My own mentor! I would never punch my mentor!! AND IM NOT IN DENIAL, THIS IS THE TRUTH! I SWEAR IM NOT IN DENIAL!

Q: Has number 1 ever met your mother?  
A: Harkat, no :'( but I am certain they'd get along :)

Q: Did you ever accidentally physically hurt number 5?  
A: Mika, it's not really possible to physically hurt Mika.

Q. How did you meet number 6?  
A: Arrow, he suggested I fight for my life and come out drowned, impaled, roasted, and gored on the other end. Now we're tight.

Q: Do you live close to number 7?  
A: Paris, about 3 chambers down the hall.

Q: What is number 2's favorite food?  
A: Mr Crepsley, something very healthy.

Q: What is the best memory you have with number 1?  
A: Harkat, probably the time he got us stuck in the Valley of Doom...luv ya buddy.

Q: Have you traveled anywhere with number 4?  
A: Kurda....the Ski Resort and Florida. Yeah. Which is about 3 too many places to go with this dude.

Q: If you gave number 3 $100 tonight, what would they spend it on?  
A: Seba, I seriously doubt he understands the concept of money. He could possibly confuse it with toilet paper, or a breath strip, or eat it, or bake it into pie. Who the hell knows.

Q: Who is the most flirtatious?  
A: 2 words: KUR. DA.

Q: Which one lives the furthest away?  
A: Sadly we all live in this big happy Rock.

Q: Who is the loudest?  
A: Depends on the circumstances. Often, Seba.

Q: The quietest?  
A: Harkat. Which is why he's my bestfriend (L)

Q: Who do you trust with mostly anything?  
A: All of them. No really, all of them! I don't see anyone else around here I can trust!

Q: What do you think about these friends?  
A: Can't even begin to fathom an answer for this question.

* * *

And there's that.

Any random ideas for random funny junk I could add?

Thaaanks :)

*Roxxy,


	2. note: 12 Characters

Another little notey thing I filled out! This one's non-facebooky, geared more towards the type of person, so enjoy :)

PS, i worked on 3 different updates tonight, Onyx, VM Idol, and TVF.But none of them are done, and i had to post SOMETHING, so I wasted 5 minutes of my life and made this!

* * *

List twelve characters from your fandom, in no particular order. Then answer the questions about them.

1) Darren

2) Harkat

3) Mika

4) Arrow

5) Larten

6) Seba

7) Paris

8) Kurda

9) Arra

10) Debbie

11) Vancha

12) Mr Tiny

1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fic? Do you want to?

Seba & Vancha? hah, kill me.

2. Do you think Four is hot? How hot?

Arrooow, is the sexiest thing that ever ever existed. At least the way i imagine him.

3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?

Mr Tiny getting Kurda pregnant.... eyes...buring. soul....melting. brain....dying. Although it could probably happen...

4. Can you recall any fics about Nine?

Arra, Honestly, never bothered reading one that was solely about her.

5. Would Two and Six make a good couple?

Harkat and Seba.....not sure if that would be slash or not ;P either way, no.

6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why?

Larten/Arra or Larten/Debbie? UM, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? Arra/Larten foooor sure :) I mean...Debbies like his daughter-in-law...plus she eewy.

7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve doing you know what?

Paris walking on on Harkat and Mr Tiny.....me and Paris would go to therapy together. for a LONG time.

8. Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff?

Darren & Kurda? probably.

9. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic.

Mr Tiny & Paris...

"Mr. Tiny Makes It Worse"

10. Does anyone on your friends list think Three is hot?

Mika :)..... um, ELENA ;P ME for sure (since I dont picture him as an emo-type) and probably maannnyy others.

11. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven?

No idea.

12. Would anyone on your friends write Two/Four/Five?

Harkat & Arrow & Larten? fuckin hope not.

13. If you wrote a songfic about Eight, what song would you choose?

"When I Grow Up" Pussycat Dolls

14. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?

Darren & Seba & Mr Tiny....

WARNING: DO NOT READ

15. When was the last time you read a fic about Five?

Um, today.

16. (1) and (7) are in a happy relationship until (9) runs off with (7). (1), brokenhearted, has a hot one night stand with (11) and a brief unhappyaffair with (12) then follows the wise advise of (5) and finds true love with (3).

Darren and Paris are in a happy relationship until Arra runs off with Paris. Darren, brokenhearted, has a hot one night stand with Vancha and a brief unhappy affair with Mr. Tiny, then follows the wise advise of Larten and finds true love with Mika.

What would you title this fic?

"A Fic We Would All Be Better Off Without"

* * *

Yepp, Ill put up a REAL chapter sometime soon...but for now, these are fun and easy :)

Thanks for all the suggestions I got, Ill try to use some as soon as I get some bigger fics outta the way! And if anyone has any other survey/note things that would be fun to fill out, send em over to me and Ill put em up ASAP :D

*Roxxy,


	3. INTERVENTION

Welcome :)

K, so this is a parody of a Youtube video, which is a parody of the song Tik Tok by Kesha. If you dont know the song, then you probably live under a rock. I would reccomend viewing the youtube parody before reading this. Simply search "Glitter Puke Kesha Tik Tok" itll pretty much be the frst thing on the list.

* * *

So once youve done that, you may move on to watch Kurda get confronted about his feminine ways..... :)

* * *

(We see Kurda lying in his bed surrounded by pillows and blankets in every shade of pink imaginable)

KURDA:  
Wake up in the morning looking pinker than Barbie  
_(You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere!)_  
Spent 3 hours last night buying vintage Furbies  
Before I leave I stop and rub my face with anti-wrinkle cream and glitter  
It seems Im spending every morning with my face glued to the mirror

Forgot to brush my hair  
But Im way too hot to care  
Now Im fallin down the stairs  
I p p pull myself off the floor  
Then Im almost at the door  
But my friends are waiting for...me

Oh crap not again!  
Its an intervention!  
Its cool, Im fine  
I can stop at any time

MIKA:  
Thats a lie  
You won't try  
Now youve made Harkat cry. Look!

HARKAT:  
Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhh, Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhh

KURDA:  
Im outta here  
This is queer  
I wanna go pierce my ears

PARIS:  
You can't leave,  
The door is locked  
We even hired Dr. Rox

DR. ROX:  
This pattern needs to end

KURDA:  
I gotta go fix my hair again

Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhh, Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhh

KURDA:  
So, I decide to stay, but my hair seriously needs curling  
Then they all go down the line talkin bout their feelings

HARKAT:  
It makes me sad when I see you paint your nails pink and black  
Also you borrowed my face cream and never gave it back!

SEBA:  
Stop showing off your butt  
You are making young girls act like sluts  
And you need to get a HAIR CUT, HAIR CUT!

DR. ROX  
This behavior is a dead end  
Fangirls are not your friends  
Youll end up like Paris Hilton  
P P Paris Hil-ton

KURDA:  
This is whacked  
I feel trapped!

DR. ROX:  
We want the old Kurda back  
(Holds up picture of DSS-style Kurda)

KURDA:  
Dr Rox,  
Screw you!  
And your stupid camera crew

DARREN:  
Hey you dont have to shout  
We're just trying to help you out!

Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhh, Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhh

KURDA:  
Okay  
It has to end  
This is just TVF  
I dont like thongs  
Or fruity drinks  
Its what Roxy wants the fans to think  
Its all an act  
And in fact  
Its even in my contract

(Holds up document, fine print says_ "KURDA SMAHLT MUST ACT LIKE A DUMB BIMBO AT ALL TIMES!_"

FRIENDS:  
Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhh, Ohh Ohh Wuh Ohhhhhh, we didn't know!

KURDA:  
Hehehehahahaha!

(Sneaks off to sraighten his hair)

* * *

Heh.... had a bit of time on my hands....

SO, for the next installment of The Deleted Files, i need YOUR help! In my dreams, I have been chosen to cast Vampire Mountain: The Movie (sequel to the heniously awful Cirque Du Freak movie which wont be mentioned, full details can be found on my facebook page) So i have a couple ideas, but if you guys want, you can each print up a list of your desired actors for the Vampire Mountain characters, and Ill post em up along with my list (you get credit your your list)! There isnt really a deadline for this, and its not a contest. Just some fun. Ill post it when I have a sufficient amount of information! :)

Have Funnn :D


	4. the Hug Month caldendar

I love this...it was developed by myself and a few other amazing reviewers back in the earliest days of TVF. Enjoy :) PS if you like the Cirque characters better than the Mountain characters...this probably isnt the calendar for you. Make ur own :P

_January_ - Hug-Whoever-You-Want-Because-Theres-Not-Enough-Months-For-Every-Character

_February_ - Kurda

_March_ - Larten

_April _- Harkat

_May_ - Vancha

_June_ - Seba

_July_ - Paris

_August_ - Arra

_September_ - Arrow

_October_ - Mika

_November_ - Gavner

_December_ - Darren


	5. Family Therapy

So, this is something new. It sort of created itself as Cattshire and I were chatting, and writing dialogue for the Vampires, just for fun. As it escalated, I was like, Hey...this should go in TDF. So here it is!

This was written pretty much equally by both of us, with no planning whatsoever. Basically fanfiction improv. I gotta say, i love how it turned out!

PS, if you dont know who Cattshire is, you are missing out because shes amazing :) check out her fics. I TOTALLY LOVE "DARREN SHANS APPRENTICE" ITS LIKE TOTALLY AMAZING OMG!

Seriously though, its really really great.

Anyway, onto Dr Phil!

WARNING: THIS IS EVEN MORE OF A CRACKFIC THAN REGULAR TVF. THIS CONTAINS EXTREME GOOFINESS AND EVEN WORSE OOC's. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SUCH THINGS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

* * *

(random conversation, don't know how we got onto this topic...)

...

Roxy: Contrary to popular belief, i have 8 kids (and im only 16, Dayum!) their names are Darren, Larten, Kurda, Seba, Harkat, Mika, Arrow, and Paris :D

Paris:...how is this even remotely possible? I'm...*counts on fingers*...umm...QUITE a bit older than yourself.

Kurda:...MOM?

Catt: HEY! Those are my kids too! O.O Something is wrong here...

Larten: Um, yeah...

Kurda:...MOM(S)?

Catt: Well, plus Harkat.

Harkat: -GleefaceOMGhappiness-

Catt: Are you sure it's a metaphor, cuz...I remember one time getting drunk and-

Mika: Oh gods, no!

Darren: Did you do a naughty with a man?

Paris: I think the more better term is 'men'.

Mika: -dies-

Larten: -throws up-

Paris:...not possible...

Darren: what does DRUNK mean?

Paris: "drunk" in legal language describes a person whose blood contains more than the legally allowed percentage of alcohol.

Arrow: "drunk" is what Crepsley is at weddings.

Larten: *smacks Arrow* "drunk" is what makes smart people do naughty with a man or men.

Kurda: One time Roxy got drunk and broke her best friend's toilet, dropped a twizzler into beer and made it fizzle, spilled water on the floor and cried, sent threatening texts to a boy, and thought she was hallucinating about a coffee mug.

Roxy: Well I can't really deny any of that, but Kurda I really don't see how its your business.

Larten: And no one can complain about MY hangovers after they've seen YOURS.

Roxy: Shut up, I only puked twice.

Darren: Okay, I get it. Keep it PG, I'm only...is it bad that I've lost track of how old I am?

Mika: You're JUST the right age to be Roxy's kid.

Larten: Do you enjoy messing with his little head?

Mika: Yeah.

Roxy: Holy, my children need to go to therapy.

Darren: SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!

Dr. Phil, we're on our way.

Darren: Catt doesn't drink.

Larten: Nope.

Catt: I probably never will. I-

Kurda: You can't drink 'cause you're scared you'll kill someone AKA Larten and Darren.

Catt: Hey! I at least I'm sane!

Kurda: -shameface-

Mika: Children, do not do drugs and or drink, it'll-

Darren: I LOVE DRUNK WOMEN BECAUSE THEY'RE EAAASY!

Larten: Darren, i think we should bring you to that therapist me and Roxy and Catt been talking about with you...

Darren: NOOOO!

Harkat: Darren...this is a...side of you...that I have...never seen before. You...need...help.

Kurda: Roxy's mommy has no idea her precious little baby loves to get totally wasted-

Roxy: *sigh* This is why my laptop is password protected...

Mika: Riight, Darren. You'd have NO idea what to do if you encountered a drunk woman.

Darren: I would so!

Mika: and what might that be?

Darren:...um...give her a ride home?

Larten: Yes, Darren, exactly. Good thinking. End of discussion.

Mika: *gigglesnort*

Darren: But...but...

Catt, Larten and Mika: IT'S THERAPY TIME!

Kurda: BWAHAHA!

Harkat: You need...it dude...

Darren: no! I'll prove I'm not as crazy as you guys thing I am! -leaves-

Catt: Oh boy, someone's gonna get hurt...

***WELCOME TO THE DR. PHIL SHOW!***

Dr. Phil: Today, we are welcoming Darren Shan who claims he has no control over his...children? Room-mates? Friends? Enemies? Drinking buddies? We may never know the relationship between these individuals. Let's meet them now...

*cut to home video of tearful Darren*

Darren: I just cant deal with this life anymore! *rubs face* Dr. Phil, I need your help! *eyes bloodshot*

*cut to video of the living room at Vampire Mountain. Kurda is lying on the couch texting on his pink phone wearing a mud mask, Mika is standing behind the couch rocking it back and forth, and Paris is reading a magazine about Japanese advances in microfiber technology.*

*camera man walks to kitchen*

Harkat is standing on the top shelf in the open fridge, rummaging. He eventually unearths a tube of cookie dough which he throws down to Arrow who is holding a purple pillow case full of what appears to be every kind of junk food known to man. On the other side of the room, Seba is locked in combat with the cold water tap in the sink which is spraying in every possible direction. Larten is observing the situation with extreme boredom*

*cut back to Darren rubbing his head depressively*

Dr Phil: Welcome, Mr. Shan.  
*cut to Dr Phil sitting with Darren on the stage.*

*There is an audience in front of the stage, ready for the show to start*

Darren: *to Dr. Phil* Oh Gods...all these people! How can I cope?

Dr. Phil: Calm down. Just imagine they're not there.

Darren: O-OK...

*cut to video of the living room at Vampire Mountain. Gavner is watching TV, while Kurda is peeling off his mud mask. Mika starts to pace around the room, annoying the others about how 'this wasn't going to work.'  
*Arrow is crunching on a nutty chocolate bar and Harkat is looking for more sweets. Larten whimpers, Paris raises his brows, Harkat covers his mouth, Kurda covers his ears, Mika covers his eyes.

Kurda: 'Omygods omygods!'

*cut to Dr Phil sitting with Darren on the stage.*

Darren: *gasp* *breaths for precious air* I-it started!

Dr. Phil: Calm down son, calm down.

Dr. Phil: So, Mr Shan. Could you tell me about what goes on in...*looks at paper*...Vampire Mountain? Give me a summary of an average day in the life.

Darren: Uhmmm...okay...so, I usually get woken up by someone screaming, or fighting, or breaking something, or screaming, or trying to smash through a wall, or screaming, or-

Dr Phil: And what happens after you're up?

Darren: We...have...umm, breakfast?

Dr Phil: You have brekfast?

Darren: Yeaa..

Dr Phil: And what happens at breakfast?

Darren: *starting to tear up* n-nothing...

Dr Phil: *rolls eyes* Let's take a look at breakfast in Vampire Mountain...  
*cut to video clip*

Darren is sitting at the head of the table, carefully pouring orange juice into 8 individual glasses. Kurda is reading nutrition facts on the box of Cheerios, gasping in horror and words he cant pronounce, which is most of them. Harkat is wrestling a giant chocolate chip pancake into his mouth. Mika and Arrow are fighting with extreme violence over the last piece of bacon. Seba is registering his many complaints about the concept of toast. Larten is reading a newspaper, or at least looking at the pictures. Paris appears to be deep in meditation. Now, Darren is standing in his chair begging Mika and Arrow to stop fighting. Mika pauses to tell Darren exactly where he can go and where he can shove his head when he gets there, but Arrow uses the distraction to swipe the bacon. This infuriates Mika to the point of grabbing Arrow by the throat and smashing his head against the side of the table in an attempt to reclaim the bacon. At this point, everyone has taken a side and is cheering for either Mika or Arrow. With the exception of Darren, who has given up and is screaming indecipherably at the camera man.

*cut back to the Dr. Phil Stage*

*video cuts back to Darren and sitting together*

: Okay Darren, what do you do in your spare time?

-Darren shrinks- Um...A lot of things?

: -raises brow- Like what?

Darren: -gulps-

: It's okay-

Darren: I watch porn and masturbate to it! I like watching fat women walk! -shivers- I eat chocolate and pretend its my old girlfriend... I like to kick Kurda around, I like to go to strip clubs and-

: Okay, okay! Son, you really need this show...

*cuts back to video at Vampire Mountain*

Kurda: It's true, he does kick me around! It-

Mika: That Darren! He's a-

Arrow: Slick dog!

Mika: O.o

Harkat: I'm scared...

Dr Phil: Let's take a look at how your friends are being affected by your behavior.

Darren: THEY'RE THE ONES THAT ARE DESTROYING MY LIFE!

Dr Phil: Just look at tge big screen, Son.

*cut to video*

Kurda: *sniffling* sometimes, he tells me that its not...*sniffle-gulp*...healthy...to straighten my hair! *overcome by tears*

*camera turns to Mika*

Mika: Okay, so I hate Blondie as much as the next guy, but really. Enough is enough.

*camera turns to Paris*

Paris: It is my opinion that Darren's social habits and behavior have devolved to the point of being almost entirely unacceptable, and an intervention must be made before his soul descends deeper into the depths of-

Arrow: *pops up in front of the camera* In dumb-people-talk, than means Darren's an asshole.

*camera turns to a tearful Harkat*

Harkat: Dr Phil...please bring back...my best friend!

*camera turns to Larten*

Larten: I don't know what has gotten into him. This is not my teaching.

*camera turns to Seba*

Seba: *prods camera* What...IS THIS?

*cut back to Dr. Phil stage*

Dr Phil: Did this mean anything to you?

Darren: THEY'RE ALL FULLA SHIT AND THEY MAKE MY LIFE HELL!

Dr Phil: *facepalm* We have a lot of work to do...

Mika: We're the ones ruining his life?

Harkat: How..can he say...that?

Mika: I mean damn, the only person who pisses the shit out of people is Kurda...

Kurda: Wut?

*cuts back to Dr. Phil show*

Darren: *sobs* Oh gods...I would have been a normal human man with ten kids if it weren't for a certain someone...

Dr. Phil: Ten kids, huh? If you weren't..who you were, what would you be, where would you live, etc?

Darren: *sobs again* I don't know! Don't ask personal questions like that! *blows nose* I mean, why do people ask that?

*cuts back to video to Vampire Mountain*

Larten: So now it's MY fault?

Arrow: Ya. *munches on a Dum Dum*

Larten: Okay, I did so much for that boy. I turned him into a vampire, took away everything he came to love and know, made him join a freak show, made him do the trials of death...I blooded him so I guess put him into this mess of fighting and killing his only brother and used-to-be best friend- oh gods it is my fault! *sniffles*

Kurda: Don't worry, it is! *smiles*

Larten: SHUT UP! *sobs and runs out of room*

*silence*

Arrow: Well, it WAS his fault...

Vancha: If I say anything it won't be pretty.

Mika: I kind of agree with Arrow.

Paris: *no comment*

*Cut back to Dr. Phil stage*

Dr Phil: And how have your friends affected your life, Darren?

Darren: *on verge of nervous breakdown* UM, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS? One. I traded my nice normal family for a rock full of phsycopaths for one of them. Two. I'll never be able to have kids and continue the mighty Shan bloodline. Three. IM NEVER GONNA BE NORMAL AGAIN! I gotta drink frickin BLOOD so I don't frickin DIE. And that's just the basic stuff! I also haven't done a single Cut N Paste art project since I came here. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED CUT N PASTE? DO YOU? NO YOU DON'T, CUZ IF YOU DID-

Dr Phil: okay Darren...it's okay. Breathe.

Darren: I DON'T GET TO SLEEP IN UNLESS I'M DRUNK OR THEY'RE DRUNK! I DON'T GET TO CHOOSE WHAT I WANT TO EAT FOR SUPPER CUZ NOBODY TRUSTS THE SAME TYPES OF FOOD! I DON'T GET TO SEND E-MAILS TO DEBBIE CUZ I`M TOO BUSY MAKING SURE THEY DON`T BLOW UP THE WORLD, AND IF I DID HAVE TIME THEY'D HACK INTO MY COMPUTER AND READ THEM ALL! I HATE MY LIFE AND I HATE VAMPIRES!

*jumps out of chair and runs off stage screaming in rage*

Dr Phil: Let's cut to a commercial...

*cuts to video on backstage. Darren is sitting*

Darren: *sobs* My life is ruined...my life is ruined! I'm so oblivious that I just REALIZED this!

*camera does a close up*

Darren: Get away! *screams and gets up and runs*

*cuts back to video in Vampire Mountain*

*There is silence.*

Vancha: *laughs*

Arrow: *burst into hysterical laughter*

Mika: *laughs because he can*

Larten: *sobs* It's not funny!

Seba: *covers mouth*

Paris: *smiles*

Kurda: *lets out a horsey laugh because everyone else is*

Harkat: *is in a fetal position*

Larten: Stop laughing! We need to do something about this, to make me feel better about myself... *turns to camera and shakes it* BRING MY DARREN HOME, SANE AND NORMAL!

*cuts to video to Dr. Phil's stage. Which Darren is back on after many minutes of dragging and bribing

*Darren: *bawls* *puts his head in his hands*

Dr. Phil: Darren, tell me-

Darren: I WANNA GET A DRINK. YOU PROOOOMMMISED!

Dr. Phil: I don't think that's a good idea. you could hurt-

Darren: Promised! Promised! *pulls hair*

Dr. Phil: Okay, let's not...

Darren: MY LIFE IS OVER AND YOU WON'T EVEN GIVE ME A DRINK! IM GONNA SUE YOU SOOOO BAAD!

Dr Phil: *abandons professionalism* If you think you can sue me for not allowing a minor to drink on my stage, you're even more ** up than anyone can imagine.

DARREN: I'M NOT A MINOR! Or am I? I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW OLD I AM!

Dr Phil: I don't care if your older than me, you are in no condition to ingest alcohol.

Darren: *eyes bulging**to audience* WE NEED TO BOYCOTT THIS MAN!

Audience: *blink blink*

Dr Phil: Okay, I think it's time to bring out the rest of Darren's little family...

*Larten, Seba, Kurda, Paris, Mika, Arrow, and Harkat come stampedeing out from behind the stage and plop in the little armchairs that have been laid out for them.*

Kurda: Wooooow this place is really nicely put-together-OOOOMGG WE'RE ON DR. PHIL! DR. PHIL DR. PHIL! The tie you wore on episode # 786 was the most beautiful colour I've EVER SEEN! *tackle hugs, is pulled off my security*

Seba: This room reeks of human abominations!

Dr Phil: *looks suicidal, carries on* Were going to try a little excersise here: I want each of you to share a thought with your friends. It could be something you like about your life, or something you dislike, or something you really wanna get off your chest. Reach deeeep down inside yourself... Any volunteers to go first?

Kurda: Mika, I can totally not beliiiieve you threw my flowers into the Pit of Stakes. They never did anythig to you.

Mika: FLOWERS ARE PANSIES!

Arrow: It's true. They were literally Pansies.

Dr Phil: Okay Mika, why did you throw the flowers into the...what did you call it? Pit of...Stakes? Is that correct?

Mika: Because I hate flowers, duh.

Dr Phil: Now we're getting somewhere. Why do you hate flowers?

Mika: *has never considered exactly WHY he hates flowers* Umm...well...they're stupid colours...and...they remind me of HIM! *he finished truimphantly and points at Kurda*

Dr Phil: *skeptically* Do you think thats a good reason to hate flowers?

Mika: *stares at Dr Phil like he's the dumbest ** he's ever seen* Um YEAH!

Dr Phil: *rubs head, getting a migraine* Anyone else wanna say something?

Darren: *sobbing erratically again* I'M NEVER EVEN GONNA HAVE A GIRLFRIEND CUZ OF...THEM! *gasping in fury*

Larten: *impatient* Stop your boo-hoo-ing. If anyone's life has been ruined, it is mine. Do you thinkI PLANNED to spend the rest of my existence as a babysitter?

Darren: *jumps out of chair, shrieks incomprehensibly, exhibits extremely rude hand gestures in Larten's face, is wrestled back into armchair by security*

Larten: *has had enough, attempts to strangle Darren* WHY YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE DEMON CHILD I GAVE YOU PRACTICALLY ETERNAL LIFE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE A NASTY LITTLE SPIDER STEALER AND I SAVED YOUR EVIL LITTLE BEST FRIEND WHO TRIED TO KILL US ANYWAY AND I SAVED YOUR PUNK BITCH ASS HOW MANY TIMES-

Arrow: WE SAVED HIS ASS TOO, IF WE HADN'T PRINCIFIED HIM, HE'D BE LYING IN THE PIT OF STAKES WITH THE PANSIES RIGHT NOW! HELL, IT WAS MY DAMN IDEA! SO IF ANYONE HERE GETS RECOMPENSATION, ITS ME!

Mika: We get recompensation? I WASTED 14 HOURS OF MY LIFE WATCHING HIS STUPID TRIALS WHERE HE PRACTICALLY CHEATED AND THEN FAILED ANYWAY! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

Kurda: HE USED HALF OF MY 800$ HAIR GEL, HE OWES ME...OWES ME...what's half of 800 bucks?

Darren: it's 400 bucks. I owe you 400 bucks. DAMMIT, I mean cents, 400 cents!

Kurda: HE OWES ME 400 CENTS!

Darren: IT WAS HARKAT'S IDEA! HE SAID IT WOULD MAKE DEBBIE WANT TO WEBCAM WITH ME!

Larten: You...WEBCAMMED...in our HOME?

Darren: YEAH, what you gonna do about it?

Larten: *strangles Darren*

ARROW: *has a massive epiphany* AND HE USED MY COMPUTER! Because his doesn't have a webcam, and I found spit on the camera of mine! I assumed it was Seba but now I know the truth! AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE! *rips Larten off of Darren, takes over the strangling*

Seba: AND HE DOES NOT LET ME HAVE MORE THAN ONE SHOT GLASS OF EGG NOG! THIS IS TYRANNY! *tried to strangle Darren, but is unable to remove Arrow, so he proceeds to strangle Arrow*

*Harkat tries to pull Seba off, but smushed by Mika as he tries to join the strangling.

Kurda attempts to strangle Mika for the killing of the Pansies, but Mika holds back/strangles the blonde with one hand*

Paris: *sits in chair, sips coffee*

Darren: *gagging* I...thought...this...show...was...supposed...to...be... about...MY...life...getting...ruined...

Paris: *glances around* Hey...where did that large bald fellow go? He was right here 5 minutes ago... *leaves stage in search of the doctor* Hey, Mr. Dr. Phil? Where did you go? I know they're having a bad day right now, but it's honestly not always this bad! Sometimes they're positively cute! Helloo?

He comes upon a door with a name tag on it: Dr. Phil. He opens the door, and peers inside...

It looks like the room had been hit by a train. Most of the posessions were gone, as though someone had packed up and left like they were being pursued by something terrible. There appeared to be a large note taped to the wall. Paris crept up nervously, and examined it:

_"Dear viewers/set workers/family/friends/my dog:  
I AM IN A BETTER PLACE NOW. PLEASE DO NOT COME LOOKING FOR ME. I WILL NEVETR RETURN TO THIS PLACE.  
-Dr. Phil"_

Paris sighed. He considered getting some popcorn and returning to the stage to watch the strangling, but decided against it. He spied what appeared to be a large adress book lying on the floor. He proceeded to flip through it. Surely Dr. Phil must know a REALLY good therapist. If not, then this could be the beginning of the end of the world.

* * *

That's right. TVF put Dr Phil outta business.

Review our crackshot please :) But no flames. Flames will result in long and nasty insults, as per policy.

*Roxxy & Catt,


	6. Vampires VS SparklePansies Part 1

Just a bit of fun. TWITARDS BEWARE.

* * *

You say **Team Edward**. I say **Team Darren**.

You say **Cullen.** I say **Crepsley.**

You say **SHIRTLESS JACOB**. I say **DRIPPING IN GREASE JACOB**.

You say **Alice rocks**. I say **let's see if she can beat Arra up**.

You say **"purple Vampaneze, wtf?"**. I say** purple is still less gay than sparkles.**

You say** Cullen Cars**. I say **Mega Trucks**.

You say **RPattz has sexy hair**. I say **Vancha is cleaner**.

You say **Vegeterian Vampire**. I say **fat fuckin fake!**

You say** Bella's clumsiness is cute**. I say **Good luck on the Trials of Death**.

You say **Sexy Werewolves**. I say **Wolfman, Rudi and Streak, or Remus Lupin :)**

You say **American High School**. I say **Vampire Mountain and Cirque Du Freak.**

You say **Plotless Romance**. I say **Fast Paced, Unexpected Twists, and Nail-Biting Action.**

You say **Twilight Moms**. I say **Hardcore Shansters. **

You say **sweet, kind, sparkly, incredible Edward!** I say **pedophile alert.**

You say** Keep churning out Twilight sequels every year.** I say **Want popcorn with your shitty production values?**

**You say THE CDF MOVIE SUCKED!** I say **we know it did, DSS fans are mature enough to admit it. Unlike you guys who are under the impression you have the greatest film ever made. **

You say **Squealing Fangirls**. I say **Dignified ladies who can control how much they squeal and how loudly they do it because they learned from Larten Crepsley!**

* * *

KEEP THE LIST GOING! I'm going to think of more, you guys submit more ideas!

**If you have a problem with this, don't even start!**

*Roxxy,


	7. Fan Art Call?

Calling all artists! I had an idea this morning that I think would be totally amazing but I can't accomplish it on my own because I can't draw to save my life. If you read my facebook page status updates, you'll know that I spent my spare period today doing something I never thought I'd do - reading manga. I walked into the library and the first thing I saw was Trials of Death and Vampire Prince on the front table! I went to the comfy couches and grappled with my conscious for a few minutes, then snatched up the books and spent the next hour trying to wrap my head around them. Once I realized you're supposed to read the things backwards, I had to puzzle out which direction to read in on the pages. Clockwise? Counter-clockwise? Right-left? Left-right? Me no comprehendo, and all I got for my efforts was a headache and a bunch of really weird drawings of my beloved characters. Arrow looked like a rock with no eyes. Mika looked like a woman. Harkat looked like a vaccum cleaner. Kurda looked like a barbie (but what else is new) etc etc. So that was my first and last experience of manga. Anyway, I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here today... Despite its freakyness, I liked the idea of graphic novels and think TVF would be completely amazing as such. Now I'm not asking you to write me a whole novel, but I'd reward someone who drew me a little poster-type thing for TVF. My current one is the only one I could find on DevArt with the whole gang, which I now edit shamelessly with colourful fonts and seasonal decoration. I just want a funny little sketch of the TVF boys being themselves! Requirements: Really, my only rule is that I want it to look as un-manga-like as possible. Colour would be nice, but not necessary. All the boys (Darren, Larten, Harkat, Mika, Arrow, Paris, Kurda, Seba) must be present. This is were I get picky: No long hair for Mika. HE IS A MAN. And he's NOT emo. Kurda's hair is straight and shoulder-length. I never imagined him with long long hair. Harkat needs to be cute. Arrow must not be ugly. I know the books say they have huge muscles, but don't overdo it. I want them to look normalish :) And that's pretty much all. You can re-create your favourite TVF scene, or just draw them as they are. Just try to convey their personalities ;) Sorry if this doesn't seem very clear, I'm in class right now typing on my phone behind my bag. Please PM me with any questions! This isn't a contest, I'm just kinda curious to see how it might work out xD Thank you very very much :) 


	8. Dear 'U Suck'

I found this little gem in my inbox today, a review for SNS. I don't know about you, but I found it QUITE entertaining!

To everyone who's not involved in this, sorry I sank to this level but it had to be done. I'm not looking for attention or drama and I don't care if anyone reviews this. I am only posting this document in hopes that it is read by whoever sent that message because there is nothing I hate more than cowardly anonymous flamers.

Normally I'd laugh it off but this kid tried to insult me as well as my fic. When I flame, I attack the FIC rather than the PERSON behind it, because this is the fucking internet, WE DON'T KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE. Holy tits.

* * *

_get over ur self this is a mary sue dont flatter urself. Maybe try... i don't know give them some personality and try troughing in a goooooooood plot. I know you think you re amazing but its time to get off your high horse and accept the fact this sucks._

_ btw, you have never flammed me... i just dont like this, time to maybe get a life... at the life store cost one account to ffnet_

_ that rights... Im flamming ur ass- BIZZZNATTCHH_

_ u heard it get life.. leave us alone,_

_ amen_

_ P.S dont get how you can live in the same house as your ego, how does it ll fit_

_ WHAT!_

* * *

Dear 'U Suck'

I hate having to post a public document just to reply your kind words, but if you're gonna be a cowardly little cunt and leave an anonymous review, then you asked for it. And you clearly think you're just oh so special so I decided to give you your own little document!

I would like to thank you for being the first person in history ever to give me a flame! This is a big milestone for me! I'm so proud and I bet you are too! It sure did make me laugh :)

If my fics actually suck, then thanks for being the only person who's ever said anything about it ;)

You're pathetic.

'Bizzzznatch'? Seriously?

What ghetto did you crawl out of, you big scary gangsta? If you'd made your flame sound mature, maybe I might have taken it seriously but you sound like 10 year old who just stole mommy and daddy's computer and is feelin all badass! That's cute.

My fics may not be perfect, but my character is no Mary Sue. I'll say it loud and clear, YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT. Better authours than me have congratulated me on making a non-Sue, so do your fucking research before talking about things you don't understand. If I knew who you were, I could probably take your stories and tell you exactly why and how they're a waste of cyberspace, because if you write anything like you review, then it's a sad sad world you live in.

And why the FUCK would you flame MY fics of all people? Shit, there's way worse out there. At least I can handle basic grammar and spelling unlike half the people on this website.

Also, what does _'at the life store cost one account to ffnet'_ mean? This is why people like me write fics that get hundreds of good reviews, and people like you make sad little attempts at insults that don't make sense. '_Troughing'_... did you mean throwing? A 'trough' is what farm animals eat out of... maybe try throwing or _'troughing'_ in a few brain cells next time you make a comment. And I'll get working on a "goooooooood" plot just for you, moron. Unlike some authours who rush their piece of shit stories, I actually take my time and put effort into it so it's still in character development stages, which you'd know if you hadn't used up the last if your brain cells on that review.

_"get a life and leave us alone"_

Us? You and the rest of my hate club? If there's more like you, they must be even more cowardly than you, cause I haven't heard from them!

In fact, I counted up my reviews in honour of this momentous occasion, and I have a nice total of 1020 in 3 years. 1020 tidbits of feedback from people who think I'm not too bad. Doesn't that make you feel insignificant? ;)

And I have a nice big house so my ego fits quite comfortably, thanks for your concern :) Maybe you'd understand if you ever did anything in your life worth being proud of, hmmmm? Then again, I wouldn't know. For all I know you could be the damn President, but you give off the impression of a greasy kid with serious issues. But I don't know you. And you don't know me either, SO BACK THE FUCK OFF BEFORE I BACK YOU UP.

See? Anyone can talk shit on the internet. Not. Very. Badass.

And don't bother replying this, I won't be giving you any more feedback. Don't ever fuck with me again.

Peace out, ummm...Bitzzznatch? Is that what they say where you come from? Real hilarious. Glad I met ya.

RXP

* * *

To my dear friends who contributed sidenotes for this, I originally had them in here but I actually decided to leave them out in the end, because I didn't want to involve anyone else. Sorry if you're dissapointed but maybe someday you'll have your very own cowardly flamer and you can do this yourself ;) Thanks for the support!

* * *

AGAIN To everyone who's not involved in this, sorry I sank to this level but I couldn't let it slide.

I'm not looking for attention or drama and I don't care if anyone reviews this or not. I am only posting this document in hopes that it is read by whoever sent that message because there is nothing I hate more than cowardly anonymous flamers.

Thanks ;)


	9. TVF Pledge

So I was creeping through all kinds of random author profiles...I tend to do that when I reach a certain stage of boredom...and I found these really clever little pledges written specifically for fandoms. I read a Percy Jackson one which made me smile, and another for those, um books. Mockingfire or Birdyjay or something like that... no I'm not being sarcastic, I legiterally can't remember what they're called. But whatevuur, I decided to take it upon myself to construct one for DSS!

Well, it was for DSS... but then it turned into straight-up TVF. If the mood strikes me I'd like to make one for actual DSS, like a book-accurate one with more characters than my 8 boys.

This is what happens when Friday night parties get cancelled at the last minute and people like me get left hanging at home with no ride anywhere. Believe it or not, I'm not legally allowed on the road by myself yet. I'm not illegally allowed either, especially after almost taking out the back porch with my mom's SUV... honestly, you'd think I'd taken the whole thing rather than just the first step. She was livid. Pffffffft, said I. I mean, the step was only cracked on one side.

What was I talking about before I got off-topic, who knows.

Anyway, the less I get out, the more junk I get to post, so yippee for you guys ;)

Now put your right hand over your heart and take the TVF Pledge :)

* * *

I pledge to think of Darren when I'm legally overage.

I pledge to think of Harkat in a golf cart when my ass needs to be saved.

I pledge to think of Larten when I need some life advice, and before getting in an RV I promise to think twice.

I pledge to think of Mika when I should be more tolerant.

I pledge to think of Kurda when I buy designer pants.

I pledge to think of Seba when I see abominations in the world.

I pledge to think of Paris when I embrace my inner nerd.

I pledge to think of Arrow when I'm feeling kinda badass.

I pledge to think of the Essie when I reminisce on vacations from the past.

And if I ever happen to feel bored lonely or depressed, I will not fear because my life was changed by TVF!

* * *

Hey, I never said I was a poet.

I don't really like the last line, I wanna edit it but I couldn't think of anything better.

Iunno, I don't think this is the end of this... I wanna improve and build on it more...let's call this the first draft.

The blabbering -

I wrote my exams this week so I have a nice fat chunk of 6 off-days to sleep, eat, ride, drink, and write my way through now, yehoo xD I seriously hope a few things get updated, but knowing me... meh. And on the plane ride home from NF I went and got myself addicted to V which is an unreal show overflowing with attractive males...well maybe not overflowing, there's like 5...still though.

AWW, this reminds me of my early TVF days when my AN's were longer than my chapters... I was a disaster xD BUT I NEVER GOT A FLAME TILL LAST WEEK, SO SUCK IT 'U SUCK' ! :) my message to you can still be found in the previous chapter ;) loove youu hunny xoxo. Thanks for getting me like 8 extra reviews on this story :D

A personal note from the desk of roxy -

**Thank you everyone for your support last week! Youre all unbelievable in a great way :) Yes, it was a stupid flame, I laughed it off, I had fun replying, I didn't let it get to me, and I may be a hardass, but I DO have feelings, and it DID sting! No matter how tough you are, getting a flame is NOT nice, even if it's the only one out of 1020 (and counting!) Yes, I have 'flamed' before, but nothing flat-out rude like what I got. When I 'flame' I neatly thread bitchitude through constructuve critisism. But that's beside the point! I just wanna make sure you all know how much you all mean to me and how happy you all made/make me feel!**

_pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than fuckin perfect.  
pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, **you're fuckin perfect to me.**  
**-P!NK**_

_**the advertisements:  
**_

mushy-ness aside, thanks to those of you who found me on twitter :D link to that on my profile, beside the one for the fb page where we have tons of fun ;)

TVF updation within the weekend!

SNS in progress!

1000 words later, I think that's it for me tonight!_**  
**_

Don't sub or fave without reviewing ;) believe it or not, people still aren't getting the message. I'm going to stop nagging, but seriously, what part of **Authors LIKE/WANT/LOVE/ADORE Reviews** dont you understand?

ILOVEYOU:)

RXP


	10. DSS Pledge

Look at this! :D

this was written fully by my dear old friend **Elenafromthewoods**. What a lovely suprise to wake up to :)

Enjoy it, the Official Darren Shan Pledge!

_**

* * *

Darren Shan Saga Pledge**_

**I pledge to think of Darren whenever a spider creeps me out  
**

**I pledge to think of Larten whenever I see grammar thrown about  
**

**I pledge to think of Evra whenever I wash a snake  
**

**I pledge to think of DesTiny for each important step I take  
**

**I pledge to think of Truska each time I shave my leg  
**

**I pledge to think of dragons each time I throw an egg  
**

**I pledge to think of Gavners pants when a guy tries to be cool  
**

**I pledge to think of RV whenever I need a metal hook-shaped tool  
**

**I pledge to think of Mika when glaring with the intention to kill  
**

**I pledge to think of Paris whenever I write fanfiction with a quill  
**

**I pledge to think of Arrow when getting that tattoo  
**

**I pledge to think of Seba each time school serves us stew  
**

**I pledge to think of Kurda whenever I need a map  
**

**I pledge to think of Steve whenever I plan a cunning trap  
**

**I pledge to think of Vancha whenever I need a bath  
**

**I pledge to think of Arra just to avoid her eternal wrath  
**

**I pledge to think of Harkat a little every now and then  
**

**Even in death may they be triumphant, amen.**

* * *

*applause*

Beautiful work darling :D DS would be proud.

Feel free to repost this on your profile, along with my TVF one (found in previous chapter) BUT IF YOU DON'T CREDIT US, WE WILL FIND YOU. Nothing escapes my detection!

:)

RXP


	11. The Master List

Well, it's official. DS loves me so much, he hired me to make **Vampire Mountain: The Movie** suck less than its predecessor, CDF... LOLJK life doesn't love me that much. So till that happens, this is just a little brainstorm of MY dream cast list!

Notes: When you imagine these people about characters, remember all the hair/makeup/costume stuff actors go through these days... if someone seems like an unlikely choice, imagine them in-character first. Also, I've included a sample of a movie/show where you can find this person. Totally random people, from all over the place.  
This is just my little opinion. If yours is different, that's great. This is mine, respect it.

PS any typos can be accounted for due to the fact that I wrote this with almost zero near-sight vision because I had an eye appt. today and they put in these awful little drops that felt like gasoline and were the colour of piss. So I was contact-less for an hour in an alcohol-less hangover. Looking at sunlight looked like movie special effects, it was bright as Kurda's natural highlights and looked like it was literally coming AT me. Closest I've ever been to tripping on acid. When I put my contacts back in, I could see the distance, but I couldn't read my phone an foot away from my face. I escaped history because the teacher took pity on me and my "LSD-eyes" so I went to the library and clumsily finished this up.

Wow, lucky you. you got that entire paragraph because of a typo warning.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Darren: **  
Tobey MacGuire (Spiderman) He's got that cute innocent thing goin' on. But he'd have to look younger.  
Josh Hutcherson (CDF) Yeah I know he's Steve. But I think he could pull off Darren just as nicely!

**Larten: **  
Kevin McKidd (Grey's Anatomy, Lightning Thief) Just... yum! He's the only Larten I can think of.

**Seba: **  
Hecor Elizondo (Princess Diaries) Iunno why, but when I see him I think Seba. He could totally pull it off with a little red cape and some mindless babbling.  
Steve Jobs. (Apple dude) He's not an actor, but...

**Paris: **  
Peter OToole (Troy) Just a badass old geezer. He'd be a book-accurate Paris. But I'm drawing a blank as to who iPad-toting Hawaiian-shirt-wearing TVF Paris would be...

**Mika:** -Charna's Tits, why do I have so many Mikas? Also please note that I don't picture Mika as a long-haired emogoth. Never have, never will!  
Gerard Butler (300, Bounty Hunter) I think he'd be my first choice. He's just right... *drool*  
Russel Crowe (Gladiator) From certain angles, he's got the look.  
Simon Cowell (Idol) I don't know why, but the first time I read DSS I thought of Mika looking like him.  
Jared Leto (I have no idea, someone suggested him) He's a bit too emoey for my liking but he'd be a good Mika if I could fix him up to fit my taste.  
Charlie Sheen (2 1/2 Men) I know what you're thinking, I don't like him but his dark hair and his eyes are just right.  
Tim McGraw (Country Strong) He'd need to goth it up a bit, but he's got the eyes and the body.  
Eric Bana (Troy) Again, he's got the eyes and the warrior attitude.  
Garrett Hedlund (Eragon) (teen Mika) Ever since I saw him as Murtagh, he's been my image of TeenMika.  
Orlando Bloom (Troy) A younger version of his Troy-look would be a great mini-Mika. I'm talking like, a 10 year old.  
**  
Arrow:** -I don't have very many Arrows on my list, but I know what I'm looking for.  
Bruce Willis: (Die Hard) He IS my Arrow. Without a doubt. Give him a battle outfit and tats, instant Prince.  
Jesse James (That Motorcycle Show) He's also got the look.  
Vin Diesel: (Fast/Furious) . Nuff Sed.

**Kurda:**  
Brad Pitt (Troy, and every other movie ever) He'd actually have to lose muscle, but he's got the pretty-boy eyes and lips.  
Owen Wilson (Meet The Parents) again, he's got the eyes and the blonde.  
Bruno: (idk where he's from.) Definitley got the hair and body. But he'd need blue colour contacts.

**Vanez:**  
Vinnie Jones (She's The Man) look at his body and imagine him missing an eye. Nuff sed.

**Gavner:**  
Russel Crowe: He's on the Mika list too, but I think he'd be a better Gav. Burly, check. Smile, check.  
Eric Dane: (Grey's Anatomy) Also got that winning smile/body.  
Sean Bean: (Troy) I like him better as a Vancha (see below) but he too has that smile, and the hair.

**Vancha:**  
Jack Black (I'm drawing a blank as to what movies he's been in but I know he's been around) He's goofy, loud, and yeah.  
Perez Hilton: (I have no idea) His attitude and fashion sense makes me think Vancha.  
Sean Bean: (Troy) This would be a book-accurate Vancha. The above would be like, TVF-style.

**Arra:**  
Angelina Jolie: (every movie ever made) she'd have to tone down the glamout, but I think she'd be passable.  
Kim Raver: (Grey's Anatomy) change her hair colour, make her less pretty and she's got it.

* * *

If you have any ideas or characters to add, I'd love to hear them. If I get enough feedback/suggestions I'll post a revised edition and credit people for their suggestions :) Plus I'm sure I'll come across even more possible candidates in my screen-watching adventures.

PS as you know if you follow me on Facebook or Twitter (hinnttt) I've been having laptop issuez this week. I can still write when the computer's not being a complete ditz, but I have problems getting online to certain pages. At the moment I'm answering inboxes and stuff on my phone, and posting this from my dad's computer which is big and shiny and unfamiliar and the keys feel weird. I have an Arrow update in the works which will possibly be posted tomorrow via the icky dirty germy school library computers *shivershudder*. Hopefully the Roxy Laptop will be taken in for fixin' within the week.

Peace, Love, and Eye Drops. *blink blink*

RXP


	12. note: 12 characters, round 2

I know, not a real update. Just something to nibble on till I'm finished cookin up the MAIN COURSE :) a lengthly action-filled SNS chapter! Wooooot :)

And FYI this isn't the same one I already did. There are many many variations of these, each more entertaining than the next.

Since they're so fun and quick, if you have any of these surveys that you think would be fun to fill out, PM them to me and I'll finish and post them with credit to you :D

Enjoy!

* * *

List Twelve characters from your favorite fandom, any order!

1. Harkat

2. Arrow

3. Mika.

4. Gillbert

5. Darren

6. Larten

7. Paris

8. Seba

9. Kurda

10. Arra

11. Kade

12. Ronnie

###

1) Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fanfic before?

Larten/Kade? Oh hell naw.

2) Do you think Four is hot? How hot?

Gillbert. Well... he's a fish

3) What would happen if Three got Four pregnant?

Mika got Gillbert pregnant... well I think that might just get them on TV if nothing else. It'd be an Oprah special.

4) Do you recall any fics about Nine?

Kurda, there's plenty.

5) Would Two and Eleven make a good couple?

Arrow/Kade? They are THE couple! :) I didn't even read this question before numbering them. ITS MEANT TO BEE!

6) Five/Eight or Five/Ten?

Darren/Seba or Darren/Arra. Preferably neither but I'd take the second one if I had to pick.

7) What would happen if One walked in on Five and Six having sex?

Harkat walking in on Darren and Larten. He'd probably cry and then pass out. Or jump off the highest point of the Mountain.

8) Make up a summary of a Three/Ten fic.

Mika/Arra. I'd go into details about their lives, how he mentored her, when she rejected him, everything leading up to _Sober Thoughts And Drunken Disasters_! xD

9) Is there any such thing as a One/Eight fluff?

Harkat/Seba. I really really really hope not.

10) Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve Hurt/Comfort fic.

Paris/Ronnie. "Tears in the Beard"? I don't fuckin know.

11) What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to de-flower One?

Gilbert/Harkat. Well I'd basically take the whole plot of Camp Vamp, and give Gillbert a brain and hands...and then that'd be that.

12) Does anyone on your friends list read Three het?

Mika. Well you really don't have actual "friend lists" on but I think almost everyone reads Mika het. (Het is boy/girl right?)

13) What might 3 scream at a moment of great passion?

Mika again. "I'M NOT EMO!"

14) If you wrote a song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?

Seba. Ummmm... what do you sing about an abominative senile maniac?

15) If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?

Harkat/Larten/Ronnie. WARNING: DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

16) What might be a good pick-up line for 1 to use on Two?

Harkat/Arrow. "Want some...cookie dough?"

17) When was the last time you read a fic about Five

Darren. Like yesterday.

18) Who would make a better college professor: 6, or 11?

Larten/Kade. Larten, easily.

19) Do you think 2 is hot? How hot?  
Well, it's Arrow, so that's 'nuff said right there. Next question! :)

20) 12 sends 8 on a mission. What is it, and does it succeed?  
Ronnie sends Seba on a misson to buy tampons. Seba returns with a roll of duck tape.

21) What would 5 most likely be arrested for?  
Darren. Pick a TVF situation, any TVF situation because 90% of them are quite illegal.

22) If you had to walk home through a bad neighborhood late at night, would you feel safer in the company of 7 or 8?  
Paris or Seba. I think I'm screwed either way. Seba would yell at the attackers while Paris begs them not to hurt his iPad.

23) What would 3 do if he found 2 and 4 together?  
Mika finds Arrow and Gillbert. That would be part 2 of the Oprah special (refer to question 3)

24) Make a summary about 1 and 4.  
Harkat and Gillbert. _Two friends, two species, one magical summer and an unbreakable bond: the Adventures of a Little Person and his Pet Fish._

25) Can you make a 2 ,3 and 10 lemon?

Arrow, Mika, Arra. It's not the worst combination I've ever heard of, but I still wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot spork.

26) Did you read a 9 and 8 fic yet?  
Seba and Kurda. Never read a story that focused on only both of them.

27) what would 7 do if he found 9 in bed with 5.  
Paris and Kurda/Darren. ... "There's an app for that."

28) Will you make a 1 and 4 lemon  
What is it with all this Harkat/Gillbert? D: NONONO.

29) Do you think that 7 and 4 makes a perfect yuri couple?  
Paris and Gillbert. Doesn't yuri mean girls? Not old men and fish?

30) What would happen if 4 walked in on 1 having sex with 6...  
Enough of these style of questions. If any of these characters walked in on any of these characters, they'll need some long-term phsyco therapy. End of story.

And Gillbert couldn't walk in on Harkat and Larten because he doens't have feet. THERE!


	13. Repost if you're against

Yeah hi. This is just a quick idea I had while wasting time on facebook tonight...

**I read this**:

The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on, hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Put this on your status for an hour, if you are against bullying. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes.

**Then I read this:**

The hobbit you just called fat? He's skipping 2nd breakfast. The dwarf woman you called ugly? She spends hours braiding her beard so you can differentiate her from a dwarf man. The Uruk-Hai you just killed? He's been abused by Saruman. See that Gollum creature with the gangly limbs & large eyes? For 500 years the Ring poisoned his mind. The Elf you just made fun of for crying? Just lost her wizard friend to a Balrog. Repost this if you're against bullying in Middle-Earth.

**(additionally, I saw a great Harry Potter one on Twitter but I can't find it now.. :/)**

**Then I wrote this:**

The man you just called fat? He has two bellies and they're his only way to make a living. The girl you just called butch? She spends hours lifting weights so men will respect her. The pale man with orange hair to whom you said "gingers have no souls"? His hair was forcibly dyed when he laboured in a factory as a child. The blonde pacifist you just kicked? He holds the fate of the Vampire clan in his hands. See the man with the snakelike scales? He spent his childhood being abused by a cruel freakshow owner. The bearded guy you just made fun of for acting crazy? Had his hands eaten by a wolfman. Put this on your status for an hour, if you are against bullying, both inside and outside of Vampire never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes.

###

If you guessed which characters are which - congrats, you're not a retard.

There's so many more characters I could feature, but I wanted to keep it short. If people like this little scrap of mindlessness, I'd be glad to make a sequel.

Real actual updates...coming...soon? Motivational kicks in the ass are very welcome.

Have a good night :)

RXP


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